Still not okay
I go back monday. I've negotiated a "graduated return to work". After and excruciating call to the manager. So I go 2 days, then 3, and so on.
I am so far beyond okay.
Then I read apocalyptic shit about the environment and it just all seems so fucking futile. So I eat until it hurts, just a bit. Then I cry listening to Neil Gaiman talk about the future and I just want to die. Not because I'll never be a writer or famous but because I just can't see the future enough to even work out where I want to be.
And for all this I'm so fucking sick of myself. I own a fucking house. My husband can work, and is applying and will get a job and fuck. Why can't I just be happy?
I am so far beyond okay.
Then I read apocalyptic shit about the environment and it just all seems so fucking futile. So I eat until it hurts, just a bit. Then I cry listening to Neil Gaiman talk about the future and I just want to die. Not because I'll never be a writer or famous but because I just can't see the future enough to even work out where I want to be.
And for all this I'm so fucking sick of myself. I own a fucking house. My husband can work, and is applying and will get a job and fuck. Why can't I just be happy?